Author: ArtsyChowRoamer

Quarantine Crisis Mode

WHAT DOES IT SAY ABOUT YOU

I was going to write about something entirely different today but I just couldn’t. It didn’t seem right. A review on a lovely restaurant lunch; had recently before the world changed? A restaurant that maybe nobody will be able to go to now for some time? (That is if it is even still open later…) It all seems so……WTF…..what’s the point doesn’t it?

My last post was my quirky, find the humor in anything, take on quarantine. If you want funny and light then just go to that post. Since sheltering in place is now on Day 4 for me and Day 7 for my hubby, this post will be a bit harder to read. But sometimes you just have to talk about it you know?

I haven’t slept well the past couple of nights. I just toss and turn and finally give up and make coffee to just sit on the sofa and think or watch the sun rise.

This morning as it warmed my face, I was overwhelmed by the thought of how many people might have done the same thing in these days past not knowing it might be their last. I thought about all the devastating photos coming out of Italy of people laying in hallways of hospitals gasping for breath.

I thought of all the grim news coming out of every channel and just had myself a good old fashioned, crying jag melt down. This reminded me again of a fact I had already noticed. Crisis mode just might not be my strong suit.

My mother took a fall some months back while visiting me and busted herself up pretty good. While I took charge and took care of most everything for some months getting her back on her feet, it wasn’t without more then a few meltdowns along the way.

I DIDN’T GET THAT STOIC GENE

I didn’t get that stoic, quiet, solid and dependable in the situation gene that was my father. We lost him nearly four years ago and I have said more than once these past few weeks how much I miss my Daddy.

Any problem would be looked at with that engineering Manhattan Project brain of his and simple logistics would come quietly forward with authority and wisdom. I wonder every day what he would be thinking about this situation. Most likely there would be bible involved but more on that another time.

Don’t get me wrong-I am undeniably a fighter-as many would attest who have said they want to be in my foxhole if something happens. I will fight until I either win or just wear ya the hell down. I am like a dog with a bone.

There’s no harder worker then me either. Something just snaps in my brain on any given task and “let’s just get ‘er done” is the story of the day. I work fast and efficiently too in a way admired often by people who just stand back and watch.

But all that’s not the same as being able to carry on indefinitely under stress, strain, crisis and panic. Is that even a normal trait to have? I mean if it was, why do the armed services have to train folks to be able to do it under fighting conditions?

Even then, it becomes apparent to them pretty quickly who the leaders are, who the most courageous will be and who are the most likely to crack.

My husband is a laid back non panicky sort too. It could be from living under communism which doesn’t value independent thinking or speaking up too much. But most likely it is because he is a pilot with quite a few hours of training under his belt.

The kind of training that puts pressure on you to not panic, think quickly and decisively so you can land that plane on water Sully style if ya got to and look cool as a cucumber while doing it.

The kind of training where he never even raised his voice in concern when one of his passengers asked quietly what the pink stuff was coming outta the wing (hint: hydraulic fluid-necessary for landing is all…) .

He just quietly did a low fly by so the tower could check to see if his brakes were all the way down with the crack technical equipment of binoculars and he landed that puppy stopping two feet in front of the firetruck that was waiting just in case.

Now that is being able to take a little pressure under fire my friends!

NO CRYING PLEASE

He doesn’t like me crying either. Doesn’t understand it-says it won’t solve the problem or help in any way so why bother? I know-it sounds a little cold when you put it that way but he is right….I guess….or maybe not.

I mean crying is one way to relieve stress. Sometimes I do feel better afterwards-sometimes not so much. They say exercise everyday is a great stress reliever but I’m one of those, when I feel the urge to exercise I lay down on the sofa ‘til it goes away, sorta gals.

WORKING FROM HOME IS STRESSFUL

I mean trying to write, blog, build an email list and do social media all on your own is pretty stressful. Who knew? I didn’t think it would be as hard as it is or take as long as it has. So much so that I haven’t had time to do much of anything else but work on it.

So who has time for exercise; which is why even my fat pants aren’t comfortable anymore these days. My mother has taken to cutting out various different methods of weight loss from her magazines to give me when I visit. Ya know-just to be helpful….sigh.

FEELING IN CONTROL

For me, it really is all about control. It is natural for people to want it and there is so much about this crisis that is beyond control.

I got that clean, organize and redesign your spaces gene (which my mother refers to as OCD) because it is about being in control. Making your surrounding spaces work for you.

It’s why I never let my British gal pal do much in the kitchen to help me when she visits. I got it under control OK? A place for everything and everything in it’s place. Don’t mess with it-but that’s probably also another story for another day.

I realized awhile back that organizing and cleaning projects are one of things I do well and they make me feel I at least have control over that part of life at that particular moment in time. I get to say where things go or don’t. I get to make things pretty and organize them in a useful, helpful and practical way and feel like I have accomplished something when done.

Cooking is the same thing for me. I decide what recipe to use. What ingredients to buy-what to put in or change to my liking or taste. At the end I have something that is satisfying and feeds me, my family and friends to clapping cheers.

Playing the piano. Another creative control thing. I decide what song to play, how to arrange it, how fast or slow to play it, what key etc. While it is order, based on math, there is a free flowing creative control in your own self expression.

The control in these various tasks help me make up for the lack of control I have had in many other aspects of life. You know what they say…..you wanna make God laugh? Tell him you gotta a plan….

JUST HAVE A PLAN

I had a plan when the recession hit with the first Bush. I lost my business, my home and my car in that one. We were youngish and able to bounce back to a large degree.

I had a plan in 2008 with the recession of the second Bush. My husband lost his job, I closed a second business and the train nearly went over a cliff to a depression that time. Why? Housing bubble they called it. Hmmm…that wasn’t part of the plan. You were never supposed to be able to lose money on an investment in a home right?

If you went through both of these economically devastating events you know what I’m talking about when I say I had a plan but you can’t plan for utter devastation. You can only hold on and hope the storm doesn’t take you down with it.

BEYOND YOUR CONTROL

In other words, you aren’t in control of these events and you therefore can’t change the outcome. You can only ride the storm out. We did it both times but we didn’t come out either time stronger than we were before.

Each time chipped away at our financial stability and long term outlooks for retirement. It’s one of the many reasons I finally turned to writing and blogging from home in order to be in charge of my own future and earnings-you know- it’s that control thing.

But this time it is different. It isn’t just about money, a job or future retirement prospects. This is life itself. It won’t matter if you can pay your bills or not if you’re dead. I am worried about every relative who is compromised or over fifty; not just us.

WORRY LEVELS ON THE RISE

I am worried mainly about the ones who live in states that have come too late to the party. Even the ones that have been on full steam ahead seem to be in trouble. What will happen to the states that still don’t have a shelter in place order?

I normally do very well on my own. Writing is a lonely business to begin with-not a group activity. To do it requires a lot of reading-also not a group activity. I have gone for several weeks without leaving the house because of the work I do right now.

Most people can’t or don’t want to do that. They say we need social interaction as human beings. I can admit, being a life long rule breaker, it seems a little harder when someone tells you to do it rather than it being your own idea. While it is the right thing to do, I keep thinking what will happen if you find loved ones getting sick or even dying and you can’t see them, be with them or help them in any way.

How will funerals get done and people get buried or burned or whatever their choice is under these circumstances? Because I’m curious, I always ask myself and others a lot of questions and these are the things that keep me up and sleepless at night. BTW… Melatonin was not on my quarantine foodlist. 😲

MAKING A LIST

So where am I going with this? I feel better when I know I have thought about what the worst scenarios could be so I don’t feel so surprised when or if it happens. I feel more in control if I think of ways I can be more prepared such as making lists.

I love a good list so I can check things off and feel like I’m getting something useful done. In this instance it isn’t always a happy list. I realized just how alone my husband and I are in a gated community that is shut down with more than half the folks living here being older people.

We could get sick and if there is no room at the inn so to speak we could be left to our own devices as they have been in Italy-simply dying at home. We have no children and it seems to be a bad idea to get around your parents and grandparents in this situation.

So we will be spending some time in quarantine getting our papers and affairs in order. Making sure they are all in a single file and easy to find should someone need them. Scary at best-overwhelming and sobering at worst. Thus, my trouble sleeping.

CONCLUSION

Why did I write this post? Does it help you solve a problem you’re having right now? Maybe not. But maybe you are feeling some of the same things as me and I guess I just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. I am scared silly too. I am a little depressed and a lot overwhelmed.

I am more than a little stressed and wonder about the long term effects of yet another traumatic event in life. I wonder what the other side is going to look like. I am afraid to think about who I could lose and what my life might look like without them.

I wanted to tell you that I failed not just once but twice. Both times were due to circumstances beyond my control but I got back up and fought the good fight. I have worked crappy jobs I hated; ones for which I was overqualified and underpaid.

I have reinvented myself over and over as necessary to keep on being a creative and doing things I am passionate about. I have been open to try, to learn and to do things I knew nothing about in order to chase my dream and to find success.

This is all we can do in life. Fight the good fight. Get back up another day. You are not in control of everything-find small things where you can be and take pleasure in them! Be kind right now-especially to yourself. It is OK to have meltdowns and even crying jags under this kind of pressure.

Stay sheltered. Be safe. I wish only the best for you and yours. Let’s do our best to try to stay positive in a time that makes it damn near impossible. Reach out by telephone and computer to your loved ones, friends and neighbors. Try to give back or help someone if you can.

Finally, and most importantly, hope dies last. Stay hopeful, what other choice do we really have? Oh yeah…and get some sleep!

If you liked what you read, you might also like to read other blogs under Just Because. Hey, don’t let me be the only one sharing. You listened to me-I’ll listen to you. Tell me how things are going for you right now and how you’re feeling. What’s going on in your space right now? Until next time…

Cheers,

ArtsyChowRoamer

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